author's notes
i'm only breaking the walls this once
Hi there.
No fiction here.
Just popping in to share with you a treasure from my past that took me 6 years and many phone calls to find.
Poetry and a play.
If you read my notes you may already be familiar with Orgins of Names and Other Side Effects (both a play on medication shenanigans that I was all too familiar with, and the name for the faer folk.)
Here to accompany it are some things that, as a child I didn’t think were all that special or clever, but after the time spent following my Icarian landing I’ve come to wish I had cherished my writing more. I promise you won’t be seeing anymore “old treasures” after this. This is a celebration of life. So if you would do me the honors of hearing out this past one last time, we can finally continue on our journey towards the future.
PROP HUNT:
[VINCE and TRENT are sitting on a stage. There is only a box a few feet ahead of them on the stage.]
T: Well, what do you suppose we should do now?
V: I’m not quite sure. I’ve never done this before.
T: Neither have I. Say- got a light?
V: No. I don’t smoke.
T: I never asked if you smoked, I asked if you’ve got a light. You know- to see.
[V pulls out a phone and turns on the flashlight]
T: What is that thing?
V: I don’t know.
T: You’re telling me you have something in your pocket, and you don’t know what it is?
V: Yes.
T: Well, how did it get there then?
V: I don’t know.
T: You don’t know much do you.
V: I know plenty. I know that I have this box and I know we now have light. What do you suppose we use
it for?
T: Look around I guess. See if there are any clues to what we’re supposed to do.
[Both get up and look around, each going separate ways on the stage. T walks semicircle to the front and
V walks semicircle to the back. T trips on box.]
V: Say what’s all that racket?
T: I think I found something. A hard something.
[V walks to T and the box, shining his light in T’s face]
T: Watch it! You could blind a man with that you know.
V: Have you ever seen someone become blinded by this?
T: Well, no.
V: Then how would you know that?
T: How would we know anything at all? I can’t seem to recall knowing who you are or even who I am, but
I’m damn sure that hicest aliquid fieri.
V: What was that?
T: I don’t know.
V: Well if you don’t know, then why did you say it?
T: Look, it seems that we have found ourselves in a situation we do not fully understand. And I su-
V: That’s not right.
T: What isn’t?
V: I understand the situation.
T: Oh really? Well then enlighten me, dear friend.
V: The problem is simple. We found ourselves sitting there [points to original spot], and have looked
around without a clue as to what we are looking for. You stumble on something. It must be what we’re
looking for. [V opens the box and pulls out a boa.]
T: Ah, we are to dance in a burlesque then, yes?
V: I- I don’t know.
T: I thought you knew everything?
V: I suppose I don’t. [pause] What do you suppose we do?
T: Put it on. [V puts on the boa during the next line] Let’s keep look-
V: [soft voice, mocking a woman’s] Do you count me as fraught when I ask if you may love me in
wedlock?
T: [searching the box] I don’t think I ever loved you darling, but you need to help me find what it is that
brought us here. Mary, darling, please go put something else on, you look ridiculous.
[V takes off the boa and pulls out two soldier caps and two guns from the box.]
T: What do you suppose you want me to do with that?
V: Well, I don’t think we should eat them if that’s what you’re asking.
T: Give me that you twit. [T snatches a cap and gun. Both put the caps on and tuck the guns in the waists
of their pants. V sits next to T and both hold a pantomimed bottle.]
V: War is pointless. People die everyday and it feels like we haven’t a slightest idea of whose winning.
[takes a swig and breathes through the burn.]
T: [stares at his drink.] What are we even doing here.
V: We were drafted. Same as the others. What’s your name?
T: Trent. Yours?
V: [Takes another swig. Breathes through the burn while speaking.] Vince. Who are you here for?
T: Pardon?
V: We all fight for someone to go home to. Someone who makes us want to stay alive even if this seems
like it’s never going to end. Who do you got?
T: [pause] Mary.
V: Who’s that? Girlfriend?
T: A woman. I don’t think I could tell her I ever loved her. I do, but I couldn’t get married. I can’t have her
attached to a fella who was sent to his death. I would never put her through that.
V: What did you tell her instead?
T: Pardon?
V: You obviously didn’t tell her that, or you’d be married right now. What did you tell her?
T: [pause] I told her I didn’t love her.
V: But you do? Love her I mean.
T: Yes. Very much.
V: Well that makes you a nit. [takes a swig]
T: What choice did I have? What choice do any of us have?
V: You could have pissed off and stayed with her.
[T takes off his cap and gun and tosses them aside]
T: We’re not getting anywhere with this one.
V: Aw c’mon man, I was havin’ fun!
[T continues to search the box and pulls out a sun hat and a tie. T looks at V.]
T: [tosses V’s hat to the side] You look ridiculous. Here. [hands V the sun hat]
V: What do you want me to do with this?
T: I don’t want you to eat it if that’s what you’re asking.
[V puts on the sunhat while T puts on the tie]
V: [soft voice, mocking a womans] Trent, dear, I how do I look?
T: [Not looking up from tying his tie] Fine, darling. You look fine.
V: [soft voice] You could at least show some amount of affection! We are going to see our parents today!
[under breath] If only you had just told them the truth.
T: [yelling] I told them what I had to! God forbid they think of me as some monster who would desert
them and their daughter without a proper goodbye! [pauses and speaks more calmly] I couldn’t leave
them with bad news on top of already horrible news. I think that it is best if you just found another man.
Someone else who you won’t have to worry about losing.
V: [soft voice] Every man is being sent off to war! Trent, I don’t think of you as an option, I think of you
as a choice I have already made!
T: Well change your mind then. I won’t change mine. [throws off his tie and walks over to the box]
[V looks over his shoulder and begins to call someone on his phone. During the next few lines, T is
searching through the box. T pulls out a top hat and tosses it to the side, then a deck of cards that all fall
out of their box when he tosses them to the side, then a bouquet of fake flowers, also tossed to the side,
and finally a ring, which he glances at and pockets quickly when he hears V say ‘goodbye’.]
V: [soft voice] Yes. [pause] Trent won’t change his mind, and neither will I. I love him Vince, and that’s
that. Goodbye. [hangs up phone and pockets it. V throws off hat and walks over to the box.] What are
you looking for?
T: Something has to be in here. Anything that can tell us how to end this.
V: End what?
T: This! [gestures all around]
V: What’s so bad about this?
T: There’s no direction! No meaning! Why would we be here if there is no conflict! No goal! No
motivation?
V: [picks up a soldier hat] What about the caps? I sure did love those.
T: The caps were useless! Nothing but fluff and backstory. We need something with more meat! More
climax! No one will watch if there’s not a proper ending.
[phone rings]
T: What in god’s name is that?
[V feels his pocket and pulls out the phone]
T: Is it coming from that?
V: I believe so.
T: What is it doing.
V: It- it looks to be an alert of some kind.
T: Well turn it off.
[V walks away out of earshot, puts the cap on, and answers it]
V: Did you talk to him? [long pause] Wait, Mary I can- [looks at phone] Great. [looks over at T] put on the
cap. One last hurrah.
T: If you insist. I don’t see what good this will do. [puts on hat.]
V: You loved Mary didn’t you?
T: Yes! I’ve told you a thousand times! What’s this got to do with the ending?
V: Look, I don’t mean to sound dramatic but- you’re gonna die.
T: What makes you think that?
V: You see, I believe we found ourselves in a love triangle.
T: A love triangle? How could that be?
V: Well, you see, your girl Mary- she is quite a doll- but I’m afraid you made her choose who to love most,
and for that you must die.
T: There were no choices! Just me and her!
V: Why do you think you keep living this over and over? You were bound to figure it out sometime!
T: Living what over?
V: This! [gestures all around]
T: What are you telling me?
V: I’m telling you everything you already know. You’ve seen how this ends, and you will see it over again.
It’s up to you to play the part right.
[T shakes himself off]
T: Vince, I believe you are a lunatic.
V: [draws gun, fires into T’s head, puts the gun in the box as well as all the other objects, sits down beside
T and closes T’s eyes] You need to listen for once. I’m tired of this too.
[hold a beat and T sits up]
T: What’s going on here?
V: I don’t know. I just woke up here.
T: Where are we?
V: Beats me.
T: I can’t seem to recall anything that happened. The last thing I remember is...[pause. V raises eyebrow]
Mary.
V: Well that sounds great, but see, we’re stuck here and... [looks around] I don’t see any gals around here.
T: Well, what do you suppose we do now?
7 Minutes :
I can’t tell who I am right now. I’m not sure if I ever truly had a solid grasp of who I am or who I want to be. I am a 17 year old kid with some diagnoses that basically mean I’m permanently unhappy and self destructive because of circumstances that I’ve found myself in. I can’t say that I was always unhappy and self destructive; however, if you asked me who I was or what I did as a kid I couldn’t tell you much. I’m not sure that person even existed, hell, I don’t even know if I’m existing right now. My name was given to me at birth, but how could my parents know what kind of person I would turn out to be? A simple name given to a simple baby seemed perfect at the time, but my experiences have shaped me to become a complex human being that is more profound than the simple name I was given. I could tell you about how my life started at the age of 12 and I wish it hadn’t. I could tell you that being ignorant might’ve been a better option, but i can’t turn back now. I could tell you that I really wish I had the same emotions as kids my age and that I wasn’t so caught up in the monstrosity of existence and the weight of feeling everything and nothing all at once. I could tell you that I wish I had some bigger importance to the universe; more than just a random kid that seems to be going through some weird depression phase with a hyper-fixation on the meaning of existence.I couldn’t tell you a real autobiography because everything that happened has either been forgotten or is not appropriate to be told in this setting. I can tell you this: I’m not sure who I am and I’m not sure I ever will.
And Now, A Message From the Cult:
Purity, that is what matters in this life! The unclean are those who have taken what is not theirs and those are the people who must be rid from this world. The men and women who have stolen someone else’s purity and left them with only disgust for humanity. We can not spot these people by merely walking past them on the sidewalk; they are in our homes and in our schools and they are everywhere. There is no way to find them until it’s too late. That is why we must live in fear of every human being and never rest until every sinner has paid their rightful price for their wrongs. A message to every rapist, murderer, and abuser: We will find you. We will become pure again.
Her eyes glistened, though I couldn’t tell you what color, and she always laughed so loudly that I would always check to see if others were staring. She was my friend. I thought she deserved the world because her parents were neglectful and she never felt quite right. She was passionate and I believed in her ideas and spirit hoping she would never lose faith that things will get better. She would always take up as much space as possible and never apologize for being who she was.
no
no
no
no
No. She had teeth that shone like pearls and bit like a wild dog’s. Their prints were left on my neck where she had marked me as hers. Her green eyes stared into mine as she took away from me the one thing I called mine. I could never forgive her. I will never forgive her. She took my purity, and for that she must pay. In due time I will be more at peace with what she has done and I will learn to live again. But for now I live in fear. The unclean will pay by someone’s hand, but not mine. For now, I will become pure again.
Death Awaits:
It stood nine feet tall
Looming over me, laughing
Nothing can stop me.
Barbed wire fence
Risking my life and status
Because she means more.
TRESPASSERS KEEP OUT
The sign read in bright colors
Inside read nothing.
No turning back now
Blood on my hands and torso
I keep walking on.
No sign of the wolves
Path is barely visible
Thorns cut my bare skin.
Ahead of the fog
A tall stone cobblestone fortress
Surrounded by death
+ + +
Stomach uneasy
Here to find
The love of my life
Past the wooden gate
Through the halls
A large door stands tall
There she waits
On the metal throne
Just for me
Bow to her
Proposing to death
Only life.Lonely Ghosting:
The boards creak at every shift in weight
The stairs run along the back wall and into my home
The room is dark and full of boxes
Cobwebs fill the corners
The stairs run along the back wall into my home
Not even the rats care to live here
Cobwebs fill the corners
Puddles of water pool under holes in the roof
Not even the rats care to live here
As I make my home
Puddles of water pool under holes in the roof
I haunt these walls
As I make my home
I keep the shelves neat
I haunt these walls
And tend to the light flickering on the porch
I keep the shelves neat
To show off my collection of books
And tend to the flickering light on the porch
To let someone know I’m home
To show off my collection of books
To someone who will keep me company
To let someone know I’m home
Waiting for a friend
To someone who will keep me company
In an abandoned house
Waiting for a friend
As I wait for someone to come along
The boards creek at every shift of weight
In an abandoned house
The room is dark and full of boxes
As I wait for someone to come alongPain Pills and Perfume:
The girls smell like their mother,
She sat in the mirror fixing her hair,
Because boys die like their father.
Every year there’s always another,
Every mother’s nightmare,
That girls smell like their mother.
A suit-jacket that never left the hanger,
He never had a chance to wear,
Because boys die like their father.
She received a call from the administrator,
Her heart broken beyond repair,
Now girls smell like their mother.
He never needed to reconsider,
He sealed his fate, unaware
That boys die like their father.
She did what she could as a mother,
But life is unfair,
Because girls smell like their mothers.
His head held underwater,
He laughed without air,
And the boy died like his father.
Now everyone she will encounter,
Will send a thought or prayer,
And girls will smell like their mothers,
Because boys died like their fathers.How to Make a PB&J for the Extremely Inept: The Hunger You are obviously hungry, but have no idea how to cook. Microwave meals have begun to taste bland and have been giving you the hershey squirts. You don’t have the money to eat out for every meal, but you have enough to buy a few things at the local grocery store. Lucky for you there are cheap ways to eat at home without killing your digestive system. Today, you will learn how to make a good ol’ PB&J (peanut butter and jelly). Before starting this process you will need to purchase a loaf of bread, your desired peanut butter, and jelly from the grocery store. Hopefully you already have a surface at home on which to make it, whether it be a plate or a paper towel. If you choose to cut it at all, you will need a knife as well. If you do not possess these items, it is best you purchase them before preparing the sandwich. The History Before the dawn of the broke college student, the PB&J served as a lovingly made sandwich for the average elementary and middle schooler. As the years passed, it turned into the go-to meal for a rainy day or a quick snack before any other obligations. It is one of the few dishes to surpass any social barriers or class separations, and is favored by all. No one can deny a good ol’ PB&J. The Preparation Once you have gathered all of the necessary items, lay them out on a big enough surface that you still have room to make the sandwich. Set up your surface for which you will be making it whether that be placing down a large enough paper towel piece or a paper plate, and ready your fingers to do some untying. The Struggle Yes! The loaf of bread is encased in a plastic wrap that seems impossible to tear open. However, if you notice, at one end there is a plastic piece holding it all together. Take this piece (could be a square that you wiggle off or a twist tie that you untwist) and remove it from the bag. Voila! The bag is open. Keep the plastic piece and set it aside, you will need it later. The Beginnings Now that you have access to the bread, pull out two pieces. There is usually a piece of bread that looks like mostly crust at the beginning of the loaf. This is called “the heel” however, it is also known as “duck food”. You may skip this piece if you wish (if you choose eat it, note that it may effect your sandwich eating experience) and grab the next two slices. Place these side by side on your prepared surface. Put it All Together Now comes the fun part. On one piece of bread you will slather with some peanut butter. The more the better. To do so, you will need to open the jar of peanut butter. Twist off the cap to reveal a seal. Poke this seal with the knife and pry it off. Now you can slather that bread up nice like. Once you have put on enough to satisfy your hunger, repeat this process with the jelly on the other piece of bread. Satisfaction Now that you have finished applying your ingredients, it’s time to smush them together. Combine the two pieces carefully, making sure they are perfectly aligned and that the condiments are evenly distributed over the sandwich. Or smash it together if you're feeling a little spicy today. Then eat that motherfucker like no ones business. Note: Once you havemastered the PB&J, you can begin to experiment with other condiments such as Nutella, honey, butter, or mayonnaise. Say good-bye to terrible BMs and hello to delicious sandwiches.
As always, thank you for reading!